Isn’t this post hilarious already? Most of you are already settled in relationships and have wisdom to share with me about such things. I guess this one is for myself! ;) But in case there are others coming out of a long relationship into the modern digital dating jungle, perhaps I can help a tiny bit. At least we’ll be in it together!
First off, I find dating apps useful. I like this way of coming into contact with others and using mainly words to test the waters. There’s a lot you can pick up from a profile. The man who stands arms-crossed and gaze turned away in his profile photo and who has opted not to describe himself - yeah, he’s definitely not the open communicator that I’m looking for. The guy whose profile is chock full of muscle shots and who, from all the many possible prompts, has opted to elucidate his “humble brag” - he might have an ego.
On the other hand, some smiles are just so warm, you sense already that he has a good heart. That’s mostly when I swipe right. And they made swiping fun on purpose.
But amusing app anecdotes aside, dating is serious business if you’re in it for a quality relationship. Here is a reflection on what I’ve learned in the last few years of dating in my 40’s.
no. 1 Raise Your Standards
If you were in a relationship for a long time, you got used to the way that your partner treated you, as well as to his strengths and weaknesses. Even when you take the step of ending that relationship, it’s not as easy as you’d think to raise your standards. If you are not careful, you might fall for someone with a few good new traits, but also the same critical pitfalls as the original model.
So remember this: the other guy(s) weren’t good enough; otherwise you would have stayed. What new qualities or dynamics are essential? Think also about what you valued in your old partner. Don’t imagine that you can trade the old good traits for new good traits. You probably want more, not just different. Embrace that higher standard.
no. 2 Match Experiences
Did you meet your first partner when you were young? At that time, you were wide open to life and able to grow with someone. Now your experiences have shaped you and taught you so much. A new relationship has the best chance of success if you find someone with similar relationship, family and parenting experiences.
I have had two serious relationships since my divorce. One man had never had a longterm relationship and the other had never had children. Although not insurmountable, these inequalities in life experience were felt. They represent real lack of data, context and skills. Ideally a partner will bring skills and experience to the table in the areas of life most important to you.
no. 3 Share a Destination
No, not a vacation destination, a relationship destination. I know this should be obvious, but there are surprisingly many men who prefer to “see where things go.” They are non-committal, which is exactly why they abound in the dating world.
That’s great if you also want to live in question marks, but if you already know what kind of relationship you want someday, it’s best to be on the same page from day one. Do you hope for something that goes the distance? Do you want to live together someday? To get married? Find out what he envisions in an ideal relationship. He’s really not going to change later. Later is already now.
no. 4 the Three Date Rule
I once listened to a podcast interviewing Amy Nobile Messing, a dating coach. Her guideline: allow for three dates to determine if you share chemistry, core values, emotional maturity and readiness for a relationship. Sharing the same relationship destination is an example of a core value that you can discover in a relatively short frame of time.
Why put any time pressure on things? Well, because if you don’t you might keep telling yourself “maybe… in time it could develop… I see potential.” And this is no way to begin a relationship. The better question is “Can I accept him (as far as I know) right now?” When these elements are present after a few dates, that is a healthy beginning.
no. 5 Trust your Intuition
This is the biggest one for me: use less brain and more intuition. Most of the time, my heart and body send me signals, good signals that turn out to be spot on. The red flags don’t fade, even if my brain tries to work its way around them.
What my friends tell me is that it should feel EASY in the beginning. Contact and reflection after a date should calm your nervous system. Expect feelings of trust, peace and curiosity; not frantic energy, over-thinking or puzzling out how it could work.
Remember, dear reader, that you are at this moment your best version of yourself! Your years have yielded growth, depth and valuable perspective. Imagine how much love you have for yourself and are able to give to another. Accept nothing less than so much warmth and love in return.
“Later is already now” really hits. I’m not single, but if I ever am, I want to remember that!
I am single after a longterm relationship which I 💯 expected would last forever. I am still a bit confused about why he left. We are friends and I cannot imagine a day that we will not be close because we know each other so well, better than anybody else.
Anyway, I have no intention of dating, zero interest in meeting anybody else. He said part of the reason he left was because he wanted to be with someone else. But I’m pretty sure he hasn’t found anyone, and given his age and health challenges, I doubt he will. But if he does, good for him .
I loved your post, though. So well done. I love how well thought out it is. There is so much in it I think is very true and important and so much I hope I would be able to think about and implement if I were out there dating and looking to meet a man/partner.
I love how conscious you are about your value and about the fact that you deserve he best! I do think we often sell ourselves short, I know I have, and “put up with” behaviors and treatment we do not deserve. I’m not sure why that is exactly. Because we’ve seen other women do it? Because we’re afraid that if we don’t, we’ll end up alone? Because we don’t believe we deserve better? Because “I don’t really believe he would have picked me if I was truly the ‘demanding’ me”?
Thank you ❤️💙