near the Center
midlife musings on romantic love
What purpose does romantic love serve in a well-lived life? Is it fulfilled as the sturdy foundation of family life? Is it to be a great source of lifelong joy? Or perhaps most meaningful as a source of challenge and thus growth? Is it like restaurant music, that fades pleasantly into the background freeing you to direct your attention elsewhere? Or should romantic love remain at the center, fresh and fragrant?
Since my divorce three years ago I’ve been wandering these thought paths. At first I went looking for love with the prescription of my childhood. Though I disliked the idea of marrying, I unconsciously expected a love story much like my first: a quick development with grand commitment and certainly living together.
I was worried about asking too little of love. I’d seen plenty of that. It looks like contentment, but it’s hard inside. It’s contentment with a partner who handicaps one’s days with hurtful jibes or detached disinterest. Feeling stronger or free because we don’t need to be treasured. We don’t need approval. We don’t need touch.
My standards for love had been too low, but when I started dating I was warned that they might be too high. Was I asking too much of love? Why was I so focused on dating? Why did I want romantic love so much? Was I trying to fill an emptiness within myself? Couldn’t I be happy living alone? Didn’t I love myself? Didn’t I have other interests?
Questions say much about those who are asking them. Those living with little romantic love, for whatever reason, were likely to warn me against valuing love too highly. They encouraged me to focus on myself, my hobbies, my role as a parent, friendships. But for those in fulfilling relationships it seemed obvious that everyone would benefit from a mutually loving, secure and supportive relationship. They encouraged me to take my time, enjoy the process and trust that love would come.
Three years later I have a learned so much. I learned the hard way about making quick commitments. How I want a relationship to look is less clear to me than before, but I am learning how it should feel. I see that it will develop slower than I had anticipated. I know that my romantic love must include growth and discovery, while also providing emotional security. I must feel treasured. I must feel desired. And vice versa, of course.
What purpose does romantic love serve in a well-lived life? Every one of us must answer that for herself, of course. For me, its potential lies near the center.
Yesterday over lunch, my boyfriend asked his parents what they enjoy in their days. They each answered whole-heartedly that they very much enjoy being with the other. That pleasure is not so simple as it sounds. To my ear it is the very tone of romantic success. For another couple it might look different, but for these two it aligns into a beautifully mutual song.
My boyfriend and I are very different in some ways and very alike in others. We love to talk about everything. As he once said, “connecting is the shape of us.” Our assumptions and choices often rub the other wrong, but when we talk things through it seems like we can overcome anything. If we come to similar conclusions about the purpose of romantic love, we will certainly make beautiful music together.
Maybe in another three years, I will be able to tell you more ;)
Oh Rachel, I read this sitting in the sunshine in my garden, coffee in hand. Romantic love what a huge topic of conversation. Is romance different at different stages of our lives. I married very young, romantic love but within just a few years things became very different a bad relationship I needed to remove myself from. A brave and hard move at 21 and living in Germany with the forces. I met and married my present husband still with romantic love in mind. 48 years of marriage later I would tell you that love has worn many hats over the years. Romantic, Passionate, comforting and at times downright aggravating!!! But a comforting feeling of love and affection remains, well most days anyway.😅 do I miss the heart stopping feeling when he walks in the room?? Probably but there are other feelings of security, steadiness that after all these years act as a glue that holds you. We have had many moments where we have struggled but got through so I think what I’m trying to say is that love changes romantic or otherwise. Our capacity to love changes and it encompasses a wealth of emotions. But the most important thing is to try to maintain a self of your own worth. A person who loves you will increase that sense of worth not reduce it. They will love us and we will love them warts and all.
Good luck in your journey. Sue 💜
“Feeling stronger or free because we don’t need to feel treasured”. I know that somewhere in the middle of my life and marriage, that was me. Reflecting on my own notion of romantic love this morning and grateful that I feel it in my 42nd year of marriage.